Closing the Loop: overcoming the fear of sharing my creative work

It's funny how a revolutionary idea, an epiphany if you will, can light a fire under a person.

Today I watched Lauren Makes' YouTube video How it feels to post on YouTube for a year. At the end of her video, she said something that I know I'm going to be thinking about for weeks, if not years:

I think finishing the loop by fully sharing it with other people, maybe on the Internet, maybe off the Internet, closes the loop of the creative cycle and it’s an important part of it, rather than just to create in a silo.

Even just re-reading it feels like a mind-blowing moment.

I am a creator. I always have been. As a child, I created for the joy of making, the process, and just to do something. As a middle schooler, I learned I was "talented." By high school, I had picked a creative medium and became hyper-focused on how I could use my talent to make money. In college, I realized that trying to make money was killing my creative spark, and I was no longer sure I wanted to make art. It felt like not only losing my way to earn income, but also my creative spirit altogether.

During the pandemic, I tried something new. But with no budget and a fear of losing more money on my dream, that project too ended after a couple of years and no monetary markers of success.

Yes, I see the pattern connected to money. It's tragic and painful, and thank God for therapy and self-awareness. I'm now 28, newly married, and finally starting to rediscover myself as a person and artist.

One of my biggest fears remains sharing my work. Not being good enough. Not being marketable. Not being able to make whatever makes my heart sing because it might not sell. These are all survival-mode thought patterns that I am actively working to rewrite.

It's one of the reasons I started this blog. Though the fear of posting remained, thus my dramatic swings between writing, posting, and extended silence.

In the last year, I have been creating more. But I haven't been sharing. I've been restless, and only today am I realizing why: I haven't been closing the loop. Instead, I've been biting my tongue until the buzzing, antsy feeling under my skin keeps me up at night.

I don't know yet what medium I'm going to like best for sharing my art, my thoughts, and the things that light a fire underneath me. But just as my middle school art teacher made us use all manner of mediums, I'm gonna try different options until I find the ones that feel right.

And I'm gonna start here. On this tiny blog that no one knows about.

Because sometimes, just posting without expectation or pressure is the best place you can start.