Proving I'm Not Lazy

I woke up yesterday and, as I was laying in bed reading before dragging myself out of bed, I found myself asking a question I think many chronically ill people are familiar with: Am I just lazy?

When your body is limited, you eventually learn to take it easy most of the time. This is to avoid the crashes and setbacks that you know come with pushing yourself too far. And "too far" is often a blurry line—easy to miss and even easier to cross unintentionally.

But sometimes, taking it easy all the time can lead to wondering if you're using your chronic illness as an excuse. Could I be doing more? Am I laying in bed an extra hour because I just don't want to get up? Am I just being lazy? These questions become louder in moments when you know your health has been on the rise.

So I got out of bed and did some of those things I'd been putting off because they usually tip me over the edge. I vacuumed my room, decluttered my nightstand, and rearranged some decor and rugs. And by 4 p.m., I was crashing. The body-shutting-down, eyes-too-heavy, no-choice-forced-nap-that-knocks-you-out-for-2.5-hours kind of crash. And yet, when you wake up, you still feel like you're moving through molasses.

So, once again, I proved to myself that I'm not just lazy. While that's great to know, the crash wasn't exactly fun. I may have gotten the best sleep of the week in that 2.5 hours, but in return I had insomnia and an evening cortisol spike that left me restless until 4 a.m.

So why do I keep having to prove to myself that I'm not lazy?

I know from experience that when I'm feeling good, I consistently get more done without having to pep-talk myself into it (very much). Is it the voice of my grandmother from when I was in high school, telling me I was wasting the day by sleeping until noon? Is it the contrast between my life and what I see in mainstream media?

Whatever it is, I hope the time between asking this question grows longer and my answer grows more confident.

Because I'm not lazy. And neither are you.